Why I blog...

I use this blog as a kind of therapy. Sometimes I'm happy and want to share it, sometimes it's just a random thought and sometimes it's to deal with things in my past. After all a burden shared is a burden halved

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

My greatest Fear @Writersbootcmp Day 3

My life used to be ruled by fear.....

When I was 24 I was promoted to being the boss and became principal of the nursery school I was teaching at. I was a terrible principal, partly because I was so young and had 3 kids and a hectic schedule, but my biggest fear was letting people down. My family was so proud of me for my achievements that I never let the cracks show and this led me to attempting suicide on the 24th of November 2000.

When my kids were little, their dad was quite harsh (not abusive in any way) but he would moan at them if they broke a glass or bowl by accident. So whenever someone broke something in the house we would hide it from him for fear of him finding out and crapping all over them about it.

When I finally decided to ask my ex for a divorce (after 22 yrs together) I was wrought with fear, scared that I was making a huge mistake. Afraid of the future and not knowing where it would take me. I had been married to this man since I was 16 yrs old and didn't know how to be an adult on my own. Fear of the unknown and fear of disappointing my family who were dead set against the divorce led me to procrastinate about it for another year before I finally took the plunge.

I met Scott while I was still married, but in my heart and in my mind my marriage was over long before I ever met him. I didn't start a proper relationship with him for fear of my kids thinking he was the reason I left their dad, he was not. I was afraid of what other people might think of me and I was afraid of the future. I had no idea if leaving the life I had known since I was 16 was the right thing to do or not. I was afraid of making a mistake. Again afraid of failing at life.

I did it anyway, I overcame that fear and today I
can honestly say that I have no clue what the future holds, I have no idea if I am going to be a success at anything I do, but dammit I gotta try right?

What's my biggest fear? FEAR itself.

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