who would have thought....

Life has certainly been unpredictable for me the last 20 years or so. I would never have imagined being where I am today. I would have laughed in the face of anyone who told me 5 years ago I would be divorced after 22 years of marriage. I would have thought you mad if you even hinted that I would be 'shacking up" with the man of my dreams ( visions of my ex pastor shaking his head at me) and the thought of me selling houses for a living, that is just preposterous.  But the biggest surprise in my life has got to be my daughters.

10 years ago my daughters were teenagers!!!! they were the most trying times of my life, from the time they both turned 13 till around 17 years of age, they gave me nothing but grief. So imagine my surprise when they actually turn out to be healthy stable grown up individuals who are now also mothers. Not just any mothers mind you, really good ones, who love their child with every ounce they have, who put their child's needs first and make me beam with pride.

This mother's day I would like to acknowledge them.

Cherilyn: Who would have thought, this defiant, cheeky, cocky teenager would produce such a happy beautiful little girl. You tested my patience, you fought with me(literally) and constantly. I was amazed by your ingenuity when you used your butter knife to unscrew the burglar bars and escape your bedroom after I grounded you. I could see then your strength of character, but never imagined you as having a soft nurturing side. I have watched you grow and mature and admire the way you face the constant struggle of being a single mom. The love you have for your daughter knows no bounds and the way you can be strong and independent yet gentle and nurturing towards her is wonderful. You are a great mom!!  Who would have thought!

Melissa: From a sweet caring little girl, to a stubborn strong willed teen, your transformation has been completely unpredictable. From hanging with a rough crowd, to meeting a lovely boy and getting married.

I was initially blindsided by your choice of lifestyle, I never showed it, but I had my doubts about your choices. Turns out you know what is best for you and it shows by the intelligent choices you have made so far.  Your amazing transformation from Melissa to Yasmin has made me realise that you are in control of your life and it is definitely going according to plan. It could not have been easy changing your whole belief system, but you made it seem like it was nothing. I am in awe of all you have achieved through your studies and watching you blossom into adulthood has been a privilege. You make family life seem so easy and yet you have to juggle being a wife a mother and a university student daily. Your love for your daughter is evident in the way you care for her every need. I can see you have great plans for her future and the determination to see them through. Who would have thought.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY GIRLS may your daughters one day, bring you as much joy as you have brought to me x

How to boil a frog

I was told once that the way to boil a frog is not to put him directly into hot water as he will just jump right out. Instead put him in a tall pot of tepid water, where he feels comfortable and slowly, very slowly turn up the heat.

An so I think it has become with our society, these images on the news of bombings rapes and war have become the norm. Our children are growing up with these images and stories and eventually will become desensitized to it.
With all this violence and rape in the media and the hundreds of outraged citizens, you would think someone would have come up with a brilliant plan to eradicate it by now.

We all know something must be done about it, but no one knows how. The only thing we can do in the meantime is try and teach our kids respect, tolerance and self discipline.

When the rap stars are singing about bitches and hoes, our sons will respect women. When religious fanatics are telling them to fight anyone who opposes their belief, our sons will show tolerance.

And self discipline, this one is extremely important, when that hot chick comes onto him in the club and they go back to his place but just in the thick of things she changes her mind, he will show self discipline and respect her no. Even if he doesn't respect her or what she is wearing, the NO is to be respected.

Stop looking

Single women out there who constantly whine about not having a relationship or a man in their life and expect him to drop into their lap, just stop!!!

Ok if you are single that may have sounded a little harsh, but let me explain.....

I have watched some women on social media complaining endlessly about the lack of good men out there and moan about being lonely. Yes I agree being lonely is no fun, we all want someone to spoon with or to cuddle late at night, I get it and I really understand.

What I don't understand is this constant need to find THE ONE. I have seen woman make status after status groaning about ''when will I find the one, I need a boyfriend, am I destined to be alone forever?"

The problem is this: you need to stop 'looking' and go out and have fun.

I did some research and asked almost every couple I know, (and I know a lot of people) how they met.

Apart from one couple who met through a dating site, everyone else had met their partner at a time when they were not really going out actively looking for one. It was either a friend of a friend, or they met in a bar while having drinks with the girls. A work colleague who introduced them. Or through some form of customer service connection. Some met at university while others were friends of their partners siblings.

The point is this: All of these people were simply out there, living their lives. Having fun and hanging out with friends when they met their respective partners.

I mean it stands to reason that the special guy you are meant to be with is not going to land in your lap while you are at home complaining about being lonely. Go out, have fun, hang with some mates. Get a hobby that will expose you to more people. The more contact you have with other people the greater your chances of meeting them and maybe some day when you least expect it, one of those people will end up spending a lifetime with you.

Live life!!! Be!!! socialise!!!! and attract the right person.

Just keep swimming

An ode to Dory from Nemo....

I dived in all excited and a little nervous, new adventure all that.
The water was so cold, I felt it sting a little against my skin, no worries my body will adjust to the cold soon enough.
I swam, and swam and swam....

My body grew weary, am I near the end yet?  I can't see anything, just dark cold water, all around me.
I swam on and on an on.... like there was no tomorrow.

My mind began to grow weary, just as my body had a long time ago. The relentless tides, wave upon wave crashing down upon me. I held my head as long as I could till eventually the waves became bigger than me.

It was so cold, cold, wet and relentless.

My chest hurt as I struggled to breathe. Water kept flowing into my face, I swallowed some, it was salty and the burn on my chest became almost unbearable.

I looked up there in the distance, I can see it! the horizon. It looked beautiful, with the promise of warmth and hope.

I pushed on, tired weary and almost broken.

My eyes felt heavy I wanted to close them forever and not have to worry about moving my arms about to keep me afloat. If I could just stop and rest, yes just for a little while.

I felt myself sinking, deeper and deeper, the darkness overtaking me, the sweet sweet feeling of rest.

I floated towards the bottom, when suddenly I realised I was drowning.

I panicked, kicked my feet as hard as I could, flapped my arms around me and ascended towards the top again. Must..... not...give...up

I reached the surface, took a long deep gasp and carried on....

Just keep swimming I told myself, until one day....the tide has consumed me.

I'm leaving on a jet plane

Bucket lists are supposed to be for ticking things off, as you get to do them, right? Well it seemed to me this year that as I grow older, my list seems to be getting longer. I mean the more I think about it, the more things I find I want to do. This year was a major birthday for me, so I took stock of all the things I haven’t achieved at this age *cough 40 cough* and I am still trying to figure out how to go about achieving them, this is not going too well, but I am hopeful. One of the things on my bucket list was to travel in an airplane. Now I know all you seasoned frequent- flyer -mile –type- people are probably rolling your eyes and thinking, what’s the big deal?, but I haven’t had the opportunity to fly, anywhere, ever! So it is a big deal for me.  I spent the first 22yrs of my adult life being a mom, going to work and coming home to domesticated things. Yes we did have the odd vacation, but mostly we went somewhere local.

Well one of my bucket list items are about to be ticked off!!!! As I type this I can feel butterflies in my tummy from excitement. For my 40^th birthday my boyfriend offered me plane tickets, and I just had to let him know when and where I wanted to go. Last month I won a competition on Bob Skinstad’s show on 2Oceans Vibe radio and it gave us free accommodation and meals at the fabulous Lethabo estate. So tomorrow morning we fly up to JHB to see some of our twitter friends and on Sunday we head to Lanseria to stay at Lethabo Estate until Tuesday.

To say that I am beyond excited is an understatement!!!! Someone posted this picture on twitter yesterday and it perfectly depicts how I am feeling right now.

Bucket list item number 1 *tick*

The after effects

This blog post recounts the events following when the fun goes wrong

Her dad came home and we went down to our local police station to report what had just happened to our daughter. When we arrived the constable at the reception desk recognized her dad (he is a detective captain in the police service) and his whole demeanor was friendly. I allowed my (then husband) to do all the talking. They spoke in Afrikaans. The constable asked what he could do for us, her dad explained that we were there to report a rape and pointed to my daughter. The constable said he would call sergeant so..and..so.. To handle the complaint and take our statements. My ex said No, he wanted another detective to take this case. The constable looked at him and said “Why, it’s just a little rape case?” My ex then leaned forward and said “Because it’s my daughter”.  “Oh” said the constable, “Captain why didn’t you say so in the first place”.

This just made me think, that if I was a woman on my own, trying to report this ‘little rape’ as he put it, how differently would I have been treated.

The next step was to go to the district surgeon and have our daughter examined for evidence of rape. Because the incident occurred in the Mitchells Plein area, we had to drive back there to have this done. The thought of putting my daughter through the humiliation of having some stranger examine her down there, after what she had just been through was quite nauseating. The examination showed that there was a little vaginal tearing and there was proof of sexual activity.

Then we were off to the local clinic, where she was given the morning after pill and an HIV test. We had to endure a lecture about what to do in the event the HIV test was positive. Thankfully it was negative, but they informed us that it could take several months to show up and she was put on a course of antiretrovirals just in case. To be re-tested in three months time.

Now all that was left was for justice to take place and the accused to be arrested.

More on the court case next blog post

Rape is NOT about sex

Rape is not about sex, it’s about power, control and dominance.

When you have been raped your first response is that of shame and guilt. Did I do something to precipitate this? Is it my fault? Why did this happen to me?  Will anyone believe that I didn’t want this to happen? I feel so dirty I don’t want anyone to know. You feel ashamed of what happened, sometimes even afraid to speak out and tell someone. You keep this shame within you and carry those feelings of guilt around like an anvil. Your life is changed forever.

This is what the perpetrator does to you; he invades your inner soul and robs you of your innocence. He controls your thoughts as you re-live this horrifying experience in your head. He has power and control over your feelings and even your outlook on life. Your attitude towards men in general can change. Having been raped at the age of twelve and being the mother of a child who was raped at the age of fourteen, I have very strong opinions on this topic. When I see people commenting on rape stories in the media as if the person brought this upon themselves, it makes my blood boil.

Rape is a degrading act of violence against another human being, where the rapist needs to feel in control and exert force over another to feel powerful. Feeding off the fear and shame of another; I say, no more! Stop the control! Stop the shame! Get rid of the guilt and speak out. Rob him of his power to control.

 It took me four years before I told anyone about my rape, but once I did I could feel the burden of carrying this secret around lifting from me. That’s why I am so vocal about it; I encourage you to share your experience with someone. Once you do, you release all that guilt and shame upon the person who deserves it, the rapist! He no longer holds a power over you. You can say with conviction; it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t deserve this. He is the guilty one; HE should be ashamed for what he has done. I will no longer be a victim, I am a survivor. I am in control of MY life and my feelings.