Why I blog...

I use this blog as a kind of therapy. Sometimes I'm happy and want to share it, sometimes it's just a random thought and sometimes it's to deal with things in my past. After all a burden shared is a burden halved

Monday, July 18, 2011

I can say; "never again"

I remember the events of that day so vividly as if they only happened yesterday. Me lying on the bed in my favorite outfit (the last one I would ever wear) hands trembling as I held the gun up to my temple. I remember the perspiration, so much nervous perspiration. It was November 24th 2000. Today was going to be the day I ended my life.

I had it all planned out, I would take my then husband’s police issue 9mm Beretta and shoot myself in the head. Quick and easy, and it would all be over in a matter of seconds.

I had thought about this for a month now: how I was going to do it, where I would do it and what would the best method be. I thought about cutting my wrists, but I was too much of a coward to actually hurt myself and there most definitely would be pain. Pain…..hhmm that kind of defeats the object when you are trying to get rid of pain right?

I thought of hanging myself with a rope, but where? The garage beams seemed the best choice, but again with my luck they were probably old and rotten and I would just end up breaking the beam and my legs too. I thought about taking a bunch of tablets, oooh swallow some pills and drift off into an endless peaceful sleep. There again no luck, the strongest thing I had in my poor excuse for a medicine cabinet was panado.

So the only solution was the gun. I knew how to cock it, you simply pull the top lever back till it clicks then you aim and shoot. Easy peasy.

I wrote letters to all my loved ones (the ones I thought would actually care) so no one would be in any doubt about what had happened. How considerate I was in the planning of my suicide, I thought. A note to my grandparents for all the love and support they have given me over the years. A note to my children, telling them how much I loved them and that it was not their fault. A note to my husband telling him there was nothing he could have done to have prevented it and finally a note to my pastor telling her not to blame herself for not noticing the signs.

And now the day had arrived! I lay on my bed, ready to say goodbye to the world. I contemplated the best way to do it. Should I put the gun in my mouth for maximum damage or point it against the side of my temple. I put the gun in my mouth and not liking the taste of the metal I decided the temple was best. I propped the pillows up behind my head and squeezed the trigger. BANG!!!!

I will never forget the sound of the shot; it was the loudest sound I have ever heard. I looked down, I was still alive, what the….how? I looked at the gun, still firmly in my grip. My elbow had slipped down the pillow and I had shot the window above my bed. There was a very distinctive hole in the window. I heard a loud ringing noise in my right ear. Nervously I giggled at my own clumsiness of not even getting that right, so I cocked the gun once again, but this time I could not bring myself to pull the trigger. I lay there crying, a big pool of nervous perspiration and tears and that’s how he found me when he came home from gym that day. The sound of the gunshot was too much for my eardrum to bear and I could not hear out of that ear for a week afterwards.

That window still has that hole in it today, it was to be a reminder to me of how close I came to ending my life.

I have been told many times that I am so optimistic about life, and yes I am! I love life and the experience I had on that day is the reason why. After that day I made a promise to myself and to my God that I will never ever again allow circumstances or issues in my life to get me so low that I am at the point of even contemplating suicide. Never ever again!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The meeting!!!!! (note the excitement)

The meeting

So on Saturday the 9th of July (quite a momentous date in my life as it was previously my wedding day) I met my sisters.

I waited for them at the table at Vida café a few minutes early so I could secure a table where I would be able to see them approaching. I was nervous as hell, not sure why though I mean after all I was the older sibling, but still nervous and fidgety I was. And then they arrived!

The younger one arrived first, all smiles and sweetness, then the older of the two. First thing that struck me was how pretty they are, and skinny (clearly I didn’t get that gene). The next thing I noticed was the similarities, we all had certain similar features and mannerisms.

They both admitted to being just as nervous and from then on we just relaxed. I apologized for the way in which I broke the news to them and they accepted my apology with protest, “after all we deserved to know” they both said.

I told them that dad (it still sounds weird saying it out loud) had called me the night before, but I had missed his call and I wondered if he knew about our meeting. “Oh yes” they said, “And he is shitting bricks right now stressing about it”.

We went into an hour of catching up and getting to know one another, but to be honest I could have sat there all day. We have so much to tell each other and so much to learn about one another that I sense many more get-togethers in the near future.

They spoke about their family life and from what I gathered they sound like a pretty tight-knit group. I liked them instantly and wanted to know more about them, they seem like such sweet, gentle women; not a mean bone in their bodies.

We said goodbye with the promise of a big family braai and meeting each other’s children, sometime soon. I am happy at this point in my life. I have a wonderful man who loves me, 3 beautiful children (two of whom are about to become mothers themselves) a job I enjoy and now two new sisters, a father and a step-mom all wanting to be a part of my life and having me be a part of theirs.

Later that evening dad called me and asked how it went. I told him it went well and I think that his daughters are lovely. He said, “Yes all my children are”. Then he said one of them called him after our meeting and told him, “Daddy, we like her”.

So as one side of the story comes to a closure, a whole new beginning has opened up for me as I now look forward to meeting the husbands and children and getting to know them all a little better.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


(part 1 here, part 2 here)

Part 3……..
So the moment of truth is finally here!!!!

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I finally have the DNA results.

Today he called me out of the blue and said “Hi, the results came back today”. I was a bit in shock and said “What? How do you know?” He told me that he had received an email this afternoon with the results. I said (still in shock) “really. That’s weird I didn’t get an email, and all my mail comes directly to my blackberry.” Then he said “Well, don’t you want to know the results?

“Yes, yes of course” I said “what is it?” Deep breath………………………

“Well I can call you daughter and you can call me dad” he said. I said “Wow, awesome. So what did it say exactly?” and he said that it just said Parentage a match. Then he started a sentence with “I don’t know how…… (Stopped mid sentence, then continued with) I can never make up for all the time….” I stopped him there and reassured him that this was not about that. I told him that I was never lacking a father as my step father was wonderful. This was much bigger than just the two of us. I wanted to get to know my sisters, if they were interested in getting to know me.

I reassured him that I would not contact them first and allow them to decide if they want to be a part of my life and vice versa. He asked me if I was happy with the result. I said yes, that it was a big relief and that now there is no more doubt. “Yes no more doubt, no more question mark “he added.

He then told me, he has not even spoken to his wife and daughters yet, (my step mom and sisters!!! It finally sunk in) he wanted to tell me first.

He said he was happy with the result.
I said thank you so much for letting me know and said goodbye.

Exhale…………… I felt elated, excited and weird all at the same time. Why did I have such a huge physical reaction to confirmation of something I have known all my life? I mean this isn’t news to me. Then I realized, it was because had the news been the opposite my whole life would have had a new question mark. There is a lot to be said for closure, it is truly a beautiful thing. Also there is the excitement of new family, two sisters (aunties for my children) and their children (cousins for my children).

What’s even more weird is that I find myself gaining two new sisters on the eve of the 3rd anniversary of my sister (on my mom’s side) death. Tomorrow marks 3 years since my sister took her own life, I miss her so much.