Why I blog...

I use this blog as a kind of therapy. Sometimes I'm happy and want to share it, sometimes it's just a random thought and sometimes it's to deal with things in my past. After all a burden shared is a burden halved

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

my life is sometimes like a seesaw

I have often thought of what it must be like to be bi-polar, that's probably because sometimes I feel like I am or at least my life does.
Isn't it weird how things seem to happen in bulk amounts. For instance if you buy a new car, suddenly you notice so many of the same make of car on the road. It's as if now they are being mass produced and paraded around in front of you just to say, your car isn't special.
Or when you hear of a death or pregnancy. Suddenly in one week 3 people have died or every second high school friend is expecting.
That old expression 'it never rains, but it pours' springs to mind.
I am a Pre-school teacher, so my only real skill is getting along with children. So to supplement my income I au-pair afternoons and babysit on a regular basis.
The financial climate at present dictates that I do this as often as possible.
Some months I am fully booked every weekend, even getting 3 or 4 calls for bookings on the same night. Then there is the proverbial 'salticrax' month, when no-one can afford to go out and pay a babysitter.
Strange how things often come in 'all or nothing' packaging.
You cant be a little bit dead/pregnant, you either are or you are not.
Extremes seem to be the norm in my life. The problem with this is that when I am up on a high it's great, but when I am down, I am really low. I am not even glass half empty instead I am glass is completely empty.
A little bi-polar? maybe, who knows? Only one thing I can be sure of, when its good it's very very good and when its bad I have two choices; face it head on and come through stronger for it, or run for cover and wade it out hoping it will pass quickly until its good again.
Here is a line form a movie called, Tenderness (crap movie, but great line)
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that run towards pleasure and those that run away from pain.
Pleasure helps you forget the pain, but pain makes you hopeful, because while you're going through it you think "surely this can't last, at some point it must come to an end".

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

closure and moving on

Deep Breath; inhale……..

Dear ex husband:

I’m so sorry that I hurt you

I’m sorry I caused you pain

You were the one I was meant to spend the rest of my life with, the one I pledged my vows to. We were meant to grow old together. I loved you; I really loved you with all my heart.

Alas this was not meant to be, not the way things worked out. Sometimes life changes course. It’s no use looking at how it unfolded with tons and tons of remorse.

Communication was lacking and it’s not anyone’s fault I should have communicated to you how I was feeling, but I had become so good at concealing.

Now its time we both move on, now that the initial hurt is gone away. I choose to remember the good times we had, I choose them over all the bad.

I wish you all the happiness this world could offer, for I have found it in the arms of another. I wish you a love that knows no bounds, one like I have found, one that know no bounds.

I wish you peace and comfort, health and wealth too. These wishes really come from my my heart. From me to you.


Monday, April 11, 2011



You know that feeling when you are drunk and the room is spinning at 20km per hour and you feel like you wanna hurl. Or when you’re a kid and you spin yourself round and round till you get dizzy and can’t walk a straight line? Yeah feelings are kinda weird like that, they come and go with every circumstance or situation you may find yourself in at that moment in time.

Pain: The feeling when you have the most excruciating toothache and there is nothing you can take to relieve the pain. Or the thickest needle you can imagine going through your spine when the nurse gives you a lumber puncture because your mom thinks you have meningitis and you are eight years old (true story). The pains of childbirth as you go into labour, or the burning sensation from liquid nitrogen as your warts are being burnt off at the age of 11 (another true story).

Hurt: The feeling you get when you realize your best friend has betrayed you, when someone you cared about deeply, says something derogatory about your weight or your personality. The feeling you get when you are six years old and no one wants to be your friend.

Guilt: The feeling you feel when you have done something wrong and you know you need to make amends. When you have said something bad about someone and you instantly regret it. The feeling you feel after being raped, even though it wasn’t your fault somehow you still think it was.

Sad: That feeling when someone you were close to, dies and you know you will never get to see them again. (Not in this life anyway). When you leave a job you have been in for many years and say goodbye to colleagues and friends. When you feel down for no reason and feel the urge to cry and you just don’t know why ( depression). When you watch a movie and something awful happens to the main character and it strikes a chord with you and you are overwhelmed by your emotions. When you watch your loved one suffer form Alzheimers robbing them of everything they used to be and you can see the deterioration of everything they were slipping away one memory loss at a time. When someone you love is hurting or ill and there is nothing you can do about it.

Angry: When you are so spitting mad you could literally stab someone (preferably with a real sharp instrument). That time of the month when everything irritates you and everyone around you had better steer clear. When your kid is disobedient to the point of disrespect.

Hate....Fear....Disgust....... I could go on and on,

But……….then there is also;

Love: That feeling when everything is just right with the world. When you meet that special person with whom you want to share every moment with and hang on their every word. When your soul seems to connect with theirs and despite war in the Middle East, dictatorship in Africa and poverty and hunger the world is just a perfect place to live in and you can find nothing wrong with life.

Happiness: When everything seems to be going right, friends are many and life is just great. You have financial security.

Joy: That feeling when the labour pains have ceased and you hold that tiny baby in your arms for the first time (pure elation). When you get that promotion, job accolade or prize or win that prize you had your eye on for a long time. When your kid looks into your eyes and says “I love you mommy, this much” and stretches their arms out as wide as they possibly can.

Sexy: That feeling when someone you are attracted to gives you that look (yeah you know what look im talking about). The nervous giggle just before the end of a date and you know there is going to be that awkward ‘do I kiss him or not’ moment. When you slip into that little black number and it feels so good you turn into a flirt machine oozing sex appeal. When you find your partner so attractive you just wanna pounce on him like a tigress on heat. ‘hhhhhmmmmm’…………….

Oops sorry lost in thought there for a moment!

So feelings are real and we have them all the time, but they are fickle and come and go as easily as a healthy bank balance. Sure if we had the choice we would all like to just have the last few and skip the first 5. But without those negative feelings we can’t really appreciate the positive ones. And the fact that we as humans can experience all of these complex emotions some of the time just shows us we are alive.

I am happy to be alive whatever that means and I am taking life one day at a time whatever comes my way.