Why I blog...

I use this blog as a kind of therapy. Sometimes I'm happy and want to share it, sometimes it's just a random thought and sometimes it's to deal with things in my past. After all a burden shared is a burden halved

Monday, July 18, 2011

I can say; "never again"

I remember the events of that day so vividly as if they only happened yesterday. Me lying on the bed in my favorite outfit (the last one I would ever wear) hands trembling as I held the gun up to my temple. I remember the perspiration, so much nervous perspiration. It was November 24th 2000. Today was going to be the day I ended my life.

I had it all planned out, I would take my then husband’s police issue 9mm Beretta and shoot myself in the head. Quick and easy, and it would all be over in a matter of seconds.

I had thought about this for a month now: how I was going to do it, where I would do it and what would the best method be. I thought about cutting my wrists, but I was too much of a coward to actually hurt myself and there most definitely would be pain. Pain…..hhmm that kind of defeats the object when you are trying to get rid of pain right?

I thought of hanging myself with a rope, but where? The garage beams seemed the best choice, but again with my luck they were probably old and rotten and I would just end up breaking the beam and my legs too. I thought about taking a bunch of tablets, oooh swallow some pills and drift off into an endless peaceful sleep. There again no luck, the strongest thing I had in my poor excuse for a medicine cabinet was panado.

So the only solution was the gun. I knew how to cock it, you simply pull the top lever back till it clicks then you aim and shoot. Easy peasy.

I wrote letters to all my loved ones (the ones I thought would actually care) so no one would be in any doubt about what had happened. How considerate I was in the planning of my suicide, I thought. A note to my grandparents for all the love and support they have given me over the years. A note to my children, telling them how much I loved them and that it was not their fault. A note to my husband telling him there was nothing he could have done to have prevented it and finally a note to my pastor telling her not to blame herself for not noticing the signs.

And now the day had arrived! I lay on my bed, ready to say goodbye to the world. I contemplated the best way to do it. Should I put the gun in my mouth for maximum damage or point it against the side of my temple. I put the gun in my mouth and not liking the taste of the metal I decided the temple was best. I propped the pillows up behind my head and squeezed the trigger. BANG!!!!

I will never forget the sound of the shot; it was the loudest sound I have ever heard. I looked down, I was still alive, what the….how? I looked at the gun, still firmly in my grip. My elbow had slipped down the pillow and I had shot the window above my bed. There was a very distinctive hole in the window. I heard a loud ringing noise in my right ear. Nervously I giggled at my own clumsiness of not even getting that right, so I cocked the gun once again, but this time I could not bring myself to pull the trigger. I lay there crying, a big pool of nervous perspiration and tears and that’s how he found me when he came home from gym that day. The sound of the gunshot was too much for my eardrum to bear and I could not hear out of that ear for a week afterwards.

That window still has that hole in it today, it was to be a reminder to me of how close I came to ending my life.

I have been told many times that I am so optimistic about life, and yes I am! I love life and the experience I had on that day is the reason why. After that day I made a promise to myself and to my God that I will never ever again allow circumstances or issues in my life to get me so low that I am at the point of even contemplating suicide. Never ever again!


  1. wow - what a piece

    well written and so brutally honest

    glad you still around to tell the tale

    Betty Bake

  2. Your brutal honesty is testament in how far you have come. I am sure that anyone who has ever contemplate this, will thank you for your braveness. One never knows what could make someone go this far, but the universe was not ready for you to go, or anyone else for that matter. You are an incredible person, we are so glad you are around, inspring us all. Mwah!

  3. just my thoughts nothing more nothing less

  4. wow karen....

  5. Wow Karen! So very very glad your elbow slipped, the world would have been a much poorer place without you.

  6. Wow! I'm soooo glad your elbow slipped, else I never would have met this incredibly strong and brave woman today. *HUGS*

  7. Wow well I for one am glad it didn't work. Strikes me the world is a richer place with you in it.

  8. Wow Kam!
    So glad your elbow slipped!

  9. Amazing post.
    Thank you for your honesty and for sharing so much of yourself.

  10. You make the rest of us feel like weaklings- the stuff you have endured and overcome, and yet I can say that you are one of the most uncynical, genuinely happy people I know, with a soft heart, and loads of compassion for others. Your experience has, indeed, made you a stronger, better and wonderful person.xx

  11. From one writer to another - amazing. Gratitude abounding that you're still here.