Why I blog...

I use this blog as a kind of therapy. Sometimes I'm happy and want to share it, sometimes it's just a random thought and sometimes it's to deal with things in my past. After all a burden shared is a burden halved

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Reason and my CSI moment

Part 2

So the (bio) dad came to visit. I was filled with pre-visit anxiety. I wasn’t sure if he was going to be angry with me for telling his daughters, I wondered if he was going to crap all over me. My boyfriend was beside me all the way and said he would stay with me in case things went pear shaped. (I flipping love this man! So caring and supportive, I would be utterly lost without him). So back to ‘dad’-> I wondered if he was ashamed of me, I mean why else wouldn’t he have told his daughters, they had a right to know…..right?

Was I his dirty little secret? His skeleton in the closet? Or maybe he just couldn’t be bothered with me, just a blast from his past. I didn’t know him well enough to presume what his frame of mind would be at this time, so my own mind ran away with wild assumption.

Then he arrived. He looked exactly the same as he did the last time I saw him, approximately 7 years ago. He told me first off that his daughters were angry with him and their mom to a certain degree. (Uh Oh that can’t be good). They felt as thought they had been lied to their whole life and didn’t much care that this was kept from them. He said the older (and more skeptical) of the two told him he needed to apologize to me (you go sis). -Phew ‘sigh of relief’ Things may not go pear shaped after all. Digressing for a moment-> have you ever wondered why that phrase exists? I mean what’s so wrong with a pear’s shape anyway?

Ok so where was I…..

So (bio) dad apologized and began to explain why he never told them. He said that he had a doubt that he was my father (big shock for me). As we know my mom was a teenager in the 70’s with raging hormones and more than one partner. So when I was 10 (that fateful weekend) he took me for a blood test in the hopes of clearing the matter up. My mom was always quite adamant that he was my father and he just wanted to make sure for his family and his own piece of mind. (fair enough) I do remember going to town with him and having blood taken, at the time of course I had no idea what it was for after all I was 10.

He said that the blood test came back as inconclusive

. He said, all it said was that ‘it didn’t rule out the possibility of parenthood’. This was not convincing enough for him. Then he asked what else he could do to get a more conclusive result and was told he would need to bring mother and daughter into a UCT lab for bone, skin and loads of other such analysis. He felt at the time he could not do that to a 10 year old and so he left it. He explained how he lived with this doubt all of my life (38yrs) never knowing if he really was my father or not.

Stop and think about that for a moment……..Imagine not knowing something as life changing as that for 38 YEARS!!!! ->hectic

I told him he could have come to me at any point and explain this to me, I mean I haven’t been that 10 year old for quite some time and as an adult I would have totally understood. Needless to say I cried a little, and he (lump in his throat and a slight teary look in his eyes) just said, “I know that was my mistake I am sorry”.

So there I had it, the teal reason why he never told them. Of course I understand, but this new found information didn’t really make me feel better. On the contrary… I now felt as though my whole life had a slight question mark to it.

Then he said, “I’m going to ask you to do this one thing for me and if you agree to it, then we will take things form there.” I said “sure what is it?”.

It turns out he had ordered a DNA paternity test kit online and wanted me to take it with him once it arrived. Of course I agreed I mean after all, I didn’t want to live with the ‘not knowing’ a minute longer. So he left and returned a week later with his wife and test kit in hand.

It was quite an easy test really, I was very nervous beforehand and my boyfriend would not kiss me all night until after, for fear of getting his DNA mixed with mine and contaminating the sample. All we had to do was fill in all our information and take a swab of tissue from the inside of our mouths, being careful not to touch the ends of the sticks and placing them in the right envelopes.

Then he left. I received an email a week later saying they were processing the samples and I should have an answer in 3weeks.

Now we wait.

Part 3 –results.


  1. Ah chick, I've been seeing your tweets for a while now and haven't said anything yet. This month the whole topic of fathers has been a very difficult one, but after reading your post I had to say something!

    You are lucky to have had a good stepdad, but at the same time, knowing your real father is something that every child should be have a right to. I'm sure he had his reasons, and that it was hard for him too, and it's great that he is now willing to prove it!

    It's never too late to have a happy ending though, and I'm sure that once you have all had time to process things (and once the DNA comes back of course) you can begin to get to know that side of your family.

    On the plus side, having more family is a good thing in the long run.

    Will be sending out lots of positive thoughts your way, and following the saga on twitter.


  2. I have been reading your tweets for a while, but not sure I have eve been on your blog. Gosh. what a lot to work through. All the best!

  3. hectic lady!
    Hope it all works out!!