The Reason and my CSI moment

Part 2

So the (bio) dad came to visit. I was filled with pre-visit anxiety. I wasn’t sure if he was going to be angry with me for telling his daughters, I wondered if he was going to crap all over me. My boyfriend was beside me all the way and said he would stay with me in case things went pear shaped. (I flipping love this man! So caring and supportive, I would be utterly lost without him). So back to ‘dad’-> I wondered if he was ashamed of me, I mean why else wouldn’t he have told his daughters, they had a right to know…..right?

Was I his dirty little secret? His skeleton in the closet? Or maybe he just couldn’t be bothered with me, just a blast from his past. I didn’t know him well enough to presume what his frame of mind would be at this time, so my own mind ran away with wild assumption.

Then he arrived. He looked exactly the same as he did the last time I saw him, approximately 7 years ago. He told me first off that his daughters were angry with him and their mom to a certain degree. (Uh Oh that can’t be good). They felt as thought they had been lied to their whole life and didn’t much care that this was kept from them. He said the older (and more skeptical) of the two told him he needed to apologize to me (you go sis). -Phew ‘sigh of relief’ Things may not go pear shaped after all. Digressing for a moment-> have you ever wondered why that phrase exists? I mean what’s so wrong with a pear’s shape anyway?

Ok so where was I…..

So (bio) dad apologized and began to explain why he never told them. He said that he had a doubt that he was my father (big shock for me). As we know my mom was a teenager in the 70’s with raging hormones and more than one partner. So when I was 10 (that fateful weekend) he took me for a blood test in the hopes of clearing the matter up. My mom was always quite adamant that he was my father and he just wanted to make sure for his family and his own piece of mind. (fair enough) I do remember going to town with him and having blood taken, at the time of course I had no idea what it was for after all I was 10.

He said that the blood test came back as inconclusive

. He said, all it said was that ‘it didn’t rule out the possibility of parenthood’. This was not convincing enough for him. Then he asked what else he could do to get a more conclusive result and was told he would need to bring mother and daughter into a UCT lab for bone, skin and loads of other such analysis. He felt at the time he could not do that to a 10 year old and so he left it. He explained how he lived with this doubt all of my life (38yrs) never knowing if he really was my father or not.

Stop and think about that for a moment……..Imagine not knowing something as life changing as that for 38 YEARS!!!! ->hectic

I told him he could have come to me at any point and explain this to me, I mean I haven’t been that 10 year old for quite some time and as an adult I would have totally understood. Needless to say I cried a little, and he (lump in his throat and a slight teary look in his eyes) just said, “I know that was my mistake I am sorry”.

So there I had it, the teal reason why he never told them. Of course I understand, but this new found information didn’t really make me feel better. On the contrary… I now felt as though my whole life had a slight question mark to it.

Then he said, “I’m going to ask you to do this one thing for me and if you agree to it, then we will take things form there.” I said “sure what is it?”.

It turns out he had ordered a DNA paternity test kit online and wanted me to take it with him once it arrived. Of course I agreed I mean after all, I didn’t want to live with the ‘not knowing’ a minute longer. So he left and returned a week later with his wife and test kit in hand.

It was quite an easy test really, I was very nervous beforehand and my boyfriend would not kiss me all night until after, for fear of getting his DNA mixed with mine and contaminating the sample. All we had to do was fill in all our information and take a swab of tissue from the inside of our mouths, being careful not to touch the ends of the sticks and placing them in the right envelopes.

Then he left. I received an email a week later saying they were processing the samples and I should have an answer in 3weeks.

Now we wait.

Part 3 –results.

Secret Sister Saga

So as I have stated in a previous blog entry, my mom and my biological dad had a one night fling, which resulted in…….well….me.

As I grew up I knew about my dad from early on, but was never apart of his life nor was he apart of mine. I was curious to meet him and eventually did. After that I met him on occasion and even spent a weekend at his home when I was 10. By then he was married and had two daughters aged 7 and 5 respectively. So being the 10 year old that I was (and desperate for siblings of my own) I blurted out to his daughters on the Sunday morning after spending the entire weekend with them as ‘a child of a friend’, that I was their sister.

Of course they didn’t believe me. They ran to their mom and asked her if it was true, she said I was lying. Further fuelling their disbelief. I now know that she was just protecting. Her daughters who were far too young to cope with the truth. She did promise to tell them when they were old enough to understand. Needless to say that was the last time I spent a weekend at my ‘dads’.

Fast forward 28years I am now 38years old. He has floated in and out of my life about 5 times in total. Roughly every 7 years or so he would pop by for an hour to visit my kids or I would do a ‘drive by” visit to his house. I would pack the kids I the car, drive up to his house, send my son to knock on the door and ask for Mr. so and so and then sit in the car and wait for him to come out (being careful not to upset the wife and kids). He would come over to the car and I would say “look how big your grandchildren are getting”. He would smile and say “hi, I promise to come visit”. But never did.

It never phased me much as I had the most wonderful stepdad. I was truly blessed as my Grandparents were my earliest parental figures until my mom settled down from her wild ways and got married and took over that role. I was given a stepdad who treated me as if I was his own flesh and blood. So it was not like I was lacking in the father figure department.

Years went by and I always wondered why my sisters from my (bio) dad side never contacted me. Surely they would want to meet me? Or my children? (Their nieces and nephew). As much as I wanted to meet them. Apparently not.

Every two years or so I would try and look them up. I did a drive by ‘dads’ house in 2008 only to find he no longer lived there. I had no idea where he lived, no phone number to contact him on. I tried to Google him or his daughters, but I had no idea if they were married and what their new surname would be. I tried Facebook, but that too was fruitless without proper surnames. I gave up and carried on with my life and forgot about them for a while.

2011: In April this year I got a Facebook message from someone with the same surname as him. She said “a friend of mine says we are related”. It turns out she was ‘his’ niece.

Eureka I told her how I was related to her and that I wanted to track down that side of my family. I was totally overjoyed at my new found family member. Through her connection I managed to befriend one of my ‘sisters’ on Facebook. It turned out they had both indeed gotten married and had different surnames. I sent the one who accepted my friend request a private message. Telling her that we were sisters. Of course this was quite a shock for her and she contacted her older sister. The older sister (obviously the more skeptical of the two) messaged me with the “do you have proof to back up your statement?” attitude. I counteracted with “ask your dad”.

Well the next day I received a phone call from said ‘dad’ saying “I need to see you”.

End of part one…

my life is sometimes like a seesaw

I have often thought of what it must be like to be bi-polar, that's probably because sometimes I feel like I am or at least my life does.

Isn't it weird how things seem to happen in bulk amounts. For instance if you buy a new car, suddenly you notice so many of the same make of car on the road. It's as if now they are being mass produced and paraded around in front of you just to say, your car isn't special.

Or when you hear of a death or pregnancy. Suddenly in one week 3 people have died or every second high school friend is expecting.

That old expression 'it never rains, but it pours' springs to mind.

I am a Pre-school teacher, so my only real skill is getting along with children. So to supplement my income I au-pair afternoons and babysit on a regular basis.

The financial climate at present dictates that I do this as often as possible.

Some months I am fully booked every weekend, even getting 3 or 4 calls for bookings on the same night. Then there is the proverbial 'salticrax' month, when no-one can afford to go out and pay a babysitter.

Strange how things often come in 'all or nothing' packaging.

You cant be a little bit dead/pregnant, you either are or you are not.

Extremes seem to be the norm in my life. The problem with this is that when I am up on a high it's great, but when I am down, I am really low. I am not even glass half empty instead I am glass is completely empty.

A little bi-polar? maybe, who knows? Only one thing I can be sure of, when its good it's very very good and when its bad I have two choices; face it head on and come through stronger for it, or run for cover and wade it out hoping it will pass quickly until its good again.

Here is a line form a movie called, Tenderness (crap movie, but great line)

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that run towards pleasure and those that run away from pain.

Pleasure helps you forget the pain, but pain makes you hopeful, because while you're going through it you think "surely this can't last, at some point it must come to an end".

closure and moving on

Deep Breath; inhale……..

Dear ex husband:

I’m so sorry that I hurt you

I’m sorry I caused you pain

You were the one I was meant to spend the rest of my life with, the one I pledged my vows to. We were meant to grow old together. I loved you; I really loved you with all my heart.

Alas this was not meant to be, not the way things worked out. Sometimes life changes course. It’s no use looking at how it unfolded with tons and tons of remorse.

Communication was lacking and it’s not anyone’s fault I should have communicated to you how I was feeling, but I had become so good at concealing.

Now its time we both move on, now that the initial hurt is gone away. I choose to remember the good times we had, I choose them over all the bad.

I wish you all the happiness this world could offer, for I have found it in the arms of another. I wish you a love that knows no bounds, one like I have found, one that know no bounds.

I wish you peace and comfort, health and wealth too. These wishes really come from my my heart. From me to you.

Exhale

Feelings

Feelings

You know that feeling when you are drunk and the room is spinning at 20km per hour and you feel like you wanna hurl. Or when you’re a kid and you spin yourself round and round till you get dizzy and can’t walk a straight line? Yeah feelings are kinda weird like that, they come and go with every circumstance or situation you may find yourself in at that moment in time.

Pain: The feeling when you have the most excruciating toothache and there is nothing you can take to relieve the pain. Or the thickest needle you can imagine going through your spine when the nurse gives you a lumber puncture because your mom thinks you have meningitis and you are eight years old (true story). The pains of childbirth as you go into labour, or the burning sensation from liquid nitrogen as your warts are being burnt off at the age of 11 (another true story).

Hurt: The feeling you get when you realize your best friend has betrayed you, when someone you cared about deeply, says something derogatory about your weight or your personality. The feeling you get when you are six years old and no one wants to be your friend.

Guilt: The feeling you feel when you have done something wrong and you know you need to make amends. When you have said something bad about someone and you instantly regret it. The feeling you feel after being raped, even though it wasn’t your fault somehow you still think it was.

Sad: That feeling when someone you were close to, dies and you know you will never get to see them again. (Not in this life anyway). When you leave a job you have been in for many years and say goodbye to colleagues and friends. When you feel down for no reason and feel the urge to cry and you just don’t know why ( depression). When you watch a movie and something awful happens to the main character and it strikes a chord with you and you are overwhelmed by your emotions. When you watch your loved one suffer form Alzheimers robbing them of everything they used to be and you can see the deterioration of everything they were slipping away one memory loss at a time. When someone you love is hurting or ill and there is nothing you can do about it.

Angry: When you are so spitting mad you could literally stab someone (preferably with a real sharp instrument). That time of the month when everything irritates you and everyone around you had better steer clear. When your kid is disobedient to the point of disrespect.

Hate....Fear....Disgust....... I could go on and on,

But……….then there is also;

Love: That feeling when everything is just right with the world. When you meet that special person with whom you want to share every moment with and hang on their every word. When your soul seems to connect with theirs and despite war in the Middle East, dictatorship in Africa and poverty and hunger the world is just a perfect place to live in and you can find nothing wrong with life.

Happiness: When everything seems to be going right, friends are many and life is just great. You have financial security.

Joy: That feeling when the labour pains have ceased and you hold that tiny baby in your arms for the first time (pure elation). When you get that promotion, job accolade or prize or win that prize you had your eye on for a long time. When your kid looks into your eyes and says “I love you mommy, this much” and stretches their arms out as wide as they possibly can.

Sexy: That feeling when someone you are attracted to gives you that look (yeah you know what look im talking about). The nervous giggle just before the end of a date and you know there is going to be that awkward ‘do I kiss him or not’ moment. When you slip into that little black number and it feels so good you turn into a flirt machine oozing sex appeal. When you find your partner so attractive you just wanna pounce on him like a tigress on heat. ‘hhhhhmmmmm’…………….

Oops sorry lost in thought there for a moment!

So feelings are real and we have them all the time, but they are fickle and come and go as easily as a healthy bank balance. Sure if we had the choice we would all like to just have the last few and skip the first 5. But without those negative feelings we can’t really appreciate the positive ones. And the fact that we as humans can experience all of these complex emotions some of the time just shows us we are alive.

I am happy to be alive whatever that means and I am taking life one day at a time whatever comes my way.

10 things I hate about you

To no one in general, but someone specific:

1. I hate that you are so darn cute and irresistible. I am completely smitten by your charms.

2. I hate that you are so talented and yet undiscovered. Your talents are like a precious gift to this world, yet unopened. Like the last piece of cake on a plate waiting for someone to take it.

3. I hate that you sometimes feel despondent, It makes me feel helpless and inadequate.

4. I hate that you can do so many things so well yet doubt your abilities in doing them. I know it is a good quality to be humble I know, but it frustrates me at times.

5. I hate that you put my feelings first and never consider yours important.

6. I hate that I can never get into your head. Your thoughts are an enigma to me, and when they spill over into the written word I am amazed and often pleasantly surprised by what is revealed.

7. I hate that you find all my imperfections special and attractive, especially when I am pointing them out to you in the hope you would agree with me.

8. I hate that I cant give you everything you truly deserve.

9. I hate that your piercing green eyes can look right through to my soul and it excites me.

10. Most of all I hate that you will never know the true depths of how much I love you, because there is not enough words, deeds or actions to show you. There is nothing conceivable that will measure up to the way in which I am totally and unashamedly in love with you!

Valentines Day

I don't normally do a 'diary' type of blog, you know the kind of one that chronologically records all of your events. Usually its just ramblings from my inner thoughts, but since Monday was valentines day I thought it fitting to share mine with you.

As this was our first valentines day together my boyfriend and I naturally wanted it to be special. By the way i abhor the word 'boyfriend' it sounds so juvinile and conjours up mental images of teenagers in high school. I much prefer something like partner in life and love, but that is quite a mouthful when it comes to introducing your fellow to people, but I digress. So back to Monday the 14th of february, which as fate would have it falls smack bam in the middle of the month when funds are usually low and momentum is waning. I had ordered a gift for him via kalahari.net (a first for me) What a pleasure using that site, just enter your details, choose your item and click, what could be easier. If I was planning on becoming a hermit this would definately be my medium of choice for shopping. Fortunately I am a people person, so no danger of that happening soon. Anyway as I was saying I ordered the gift at the end of January thinking two weeks for delivery and it should arrive in time for valentines day, but to my suprise (and a little shock) it arrived within 48 hours. So he didnt actually receive anything tangible from me on the actual day. Not to worry we love each other and still wanted to make it special. Well when I arrived home there was a brand new bedspread waiting for me (because the previous one that took us 4 months to find and agree upon came to a very ugly end, but that is a story for another day). On the bedspread were 9 little hand cut hearts with these words written on them: I love you Karen with all my heart love Scott (instant heartmelt). At the end of the heart trail was a gift wrapped box with a red ribbon on it, and inside was a gift set of my favorite perfume with a matching body lotion. This in itself was a wonderful surprise and I would have been happy there and then.

But you know what presents and surprises aside the very best part of the entire day, was when we went to look at a house, and came home full of hope and joy. We sat on the couch discussing possibilities for the future one in which we will share a life together and where it could take us. We were excited, elated, full of hope and most importantly of all in love! deeply completely and madly in love with each other.

I leave you with this beautiful poem I found by Frances Gay:

When you have a key, you need a lock in which the key will fit
when you have a lock, you need a door in which the lock will sit
when you have a door, you need a wall in which the door will stand
when you have four walls, you need a roof to make your house look grand
when you have your house just right for you, you can settle and never roam
but with all these things you need a mate, to make your house a home