I can say; "never again"

I remember the events of that day so vividly as if they only happened yesterday. Me lying on the bed in my favorite outfit (the last one I would ever wear) hands trembling as I held the gun up to my temple. I remember the perspiration, so much nervous perspiration. It was November 24th 2000. Today was going to be the day I ended my life.

I had it all planned out, I would take my then husband’s police issue 9mm Beretta and shoot myself in the head. Quick and easy, and it would all be over in a matter of seconds.

I had thought about this for a month now: how I was going to do it, where I would do it and what would the best method be. I thought about cutting my wrists, but I was too much of a coward to actually hurt myself and there most definitely would be pain. Pain…..hhmm that kind of defeats the object when you are trying to get rid of pain right?

I thought of hanging myself with a rope, but where? The garage beams seemed the best choice, but again with my luck they were probably old and rotten and I would just end up breaking the beam and my legs too. I thought about taking a bunch of tablets, oooh swallow some pills and drift off into an endless peaceful sleep. There again no luck, the strongest thing I had in my poor excuse for a medicine cabinet was panado.

So the only solution was the gun. I knew how to cock it, you simply pull the top lever back till it clicks then you aim and shoot. Easy peasy.

I wrote letters to all my loved ones (the ones I thought would actually care) so no one would be in any doubt about what had happened. How considerate I was in the planning of my suicide, I thought. A note to my grandparents for all the love and support they have given me over the years. A note to my children, telling them how much I loved them and that it was not their fault. A note to my husband telling him there was nothing he could have done to have prevented it and finally a note to my pastor telling her not to blame herself for not noticing the signs.

And now the day had arrived! I lay on my bed, ready to say goodbye to the world. I contemplated the best way to do it. Should I put the gun in my mouth for maximum damage or point it against the side of my temple. I put the gun in my mouth and not liking the taste of the metal I decided the temple was best. I propped the pillows up behind my head and squeezed the trigger. BANG!!!!

I will never forget the sound of the shot; it was the loudest sound I have ever heard. I looked down, I was still alive, what the….how? I looked at the gun, still firmly in my grip. My elbow had slipped down the pillow and I had shot the window above my bed. There was a very distinctive hole in the window. I heard a loud ringing noise in my right ear. Nervously I giggled at my own clumsiness of not even getting that right, so I cocked the gun once again, but this time I could not bring myself to pull the trigger. I lay there crying, a big pool of nervous perspiration and tears and that’s how he found me when he came home from gym that day. The sound of the gunshot was too much for my eardrum to bear and I could not hear out of that ear for a week afterwards.

That window still has that hole in it today, it was to be a reminder to me of how close I came to ending my life.

I have been told many times that I am so optimistic about life, and yes I am! I love life and the experience I had on that day is the reason why. After that day I made a promise to myself and to my God that I will never ever again allow circumstances or issues in my life to get me so low that I am at the point of even contemplating suicide. Never ever again!

The meeting!!!!! (note the excitement)

The meeting

So on Saturday the 9th of July (quite a momentous date in my life as it was previously my wedding day) I met my sisters.

I waited for them at the table at Vida café a few minutes early so I could secure a table where I would be able to see them approaching. I was nervous as hell, not sure why though I mean after all I was the older sibling, but still nervous and fidgety I was. And then they arrived!

The younger one arrived first, all smiles and sweetness, then the older of the two. First thing that struck me was how pretty they are, and skinny (clearly I didn’t get that gene). The next thing I noticed was the similarities, we all had certain similar features and mannerisms.

They both admitted to being just as nervous and from then on we just relaxed. I apologized for the way in which I broke the news to them and they accepted my apology with protest, “after all we deserved to know” they both said.

I told them that dad (it still sounds weird saying it out loud) had called me the night before, but I had missed his call and I wondered if he knew about our meeting. “Oh yes” they said, “And he is shitting bricks right now stressing about it”.

We went into an hour of catching up and getting to know one another, but to be honest I could have sat there all day. We have so much to tell each other and so much to learn about one another that I sense many more get-togethers in the near future.

They spoke about their family life and from what I gathered they sound like a pretty tight-knit group. I liked them instantly and wanted to know more about them, they seem like such sweet, gentle women; not a mean bone in their bodies.

We said goodbye with the promise of a big family braai and meeting each other’s children, sometime soon. I am happy at this point in my life. I have a wonderful man who loves me, 3 beautiful children (two of whom are about to become mothers themselves) a job I enjoy and now two new sisters, a father and a step-mom all wanting to be a part of my life and having me be a part of theirs.

Later that evening dad called me and asked how it went. I told him it went well and I think that his daughters are lovely. He said, “Yes all my children are”. Then he said one of them called him after our meeting and told him, “Daddy, we like her”.

So as one side of the story comes to a closure, a whole new beginning has opened up for me as I now look forward to meeting the husbands and children and getting to know them all a little better.

Results

(part 1 here, part 2 here)

Part 3……..
So the moment of truth is finally here!!!!

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I finally have the DNA results.

Today he called me out of the blue and said “Hi, the results came back today”. I was a bit in shock and said “What? How do you know?” He told me that he had received an email this afternoon with the results. I said (still in shock) “really. That’s weird I didn’t get an email, and all my mail comes directly to my blackberry.” Then he said “Well, don’t you want to know the results?
”
“Yes, yes of course” I said “what is it?” Deep breath………………………

“Well I can call you daughter and you can call me dad” he said. I said “Wow, awesome. So what did it say exactly?” and he said that it just said Parentage a match. Then he started a sentence with “I don’t know how…… (Stopped mid sentence, then continued with) I can never make up for all the time….” I stopped him there and reassured him that this was not about that. I told him that I was never lacking a father as my step father was wonderful. This was much bigger than just the two of us. I wanted to get to know my sisters, if they were interested in getting to know me.

I reassured him that I would not contact them first and allow them to decide if they want to be a part of my life and vice versa. He asked me if I was happy with the result. I said yes, that it was a big relief and that now there is no more doubt. “Yes no more doubt, no more question mark “he added.

He then told me, he has not even spoken to his wife and daughters yet, (my step mom and sisters!!! It finally sunk in) he wanted to tell me first.

He said he was happy with the result.
I said thank you so much for letting me know and said goodbye.

Exhale…………… I felt elated, excited and weird all at the same time. Why did I have such a huge physical reaction to confirmation of something I have known all my life? I mean this isn’t news to me. Then I realized, it was because had the news been the opposite my whole life would have had a new question mark. There is a lot to be said for closure, it is truly a beautiful thing. Also there is the excitement of new family, two sisters (aunties for my children) and their children (cousins for my children).

What’s even more weird is that I find myself gaining two new sisters on the eve of the 3rd anniversary of my sister (on my mom’s side) death. Tomorrow marks 3 years since my sister took her own life, I miss her so much.

The Reason and my CSI moment

Part 2

So the (bio) dad came to visit. I was filled with pre-visit anxiety. I wasn’t sure if he was going to be angry with me for telling his daughters, I wondered if he was going to crap all over me. My boyfriend was beside me all the way and said he would stay with me in case things went pear shaped. (I flipping love this man! So caring and supportive, I would be utterly lost without him). So back to ‘dad’-> I wondered if he was ashamed of me, I mean why else wouldn’t he have told his daughters, they had a right to know…..right?

Was I his dirty little secret? His skeleton in the closet? Or maybe he just couldn’t be bothered with me, just a blast from his past. I didn’t know him well enough to presume what his frame of mind would be at this time, so my own mind ran away with wild assumption.

Then he arrived. He looked exactly the same as he did the last time I saw him, approximately 7 years ago. He told me first off that his daughters were angry with him and their mom to a certain degree. (Uh Oh that can’t be good). They felt as thought they had been lied to their whole life and didn’t much care that this was kept from them. He said the older (and more skeptical) of the two told him he needed to apologize to me (you go sis). -Phew ‘sigh of relief’ Things may not go pear shaped after all. Digressing for a moment-> have you ever wondered why that phrase exists? I mean what’s so wrong with a pear’s shape anyway?

Ok so where was I…..

So (bio) dad apologized and began to explain why he never told them. He said that he had a doubt that he was my father (big shock for me). As we know my mom was a teenager in the 70’s with raging hormones and more than one partner. So when I was 10 (that fateful weekend) he took me for a blood test in the hopes of clearing the matter up. My mom was always quite adamant that he was my father and he just wanted to make sure for his family and his own piece of mind. (fair enough) I do remember going to town with him and having blood taken, at the time of course I had no idea what it was for after all I was 10.

He said that the blood test came back as inconclusive

. He said, all it said was that ‘it didn’t rule out the possibility of parenthood’. This was not convincing enough for him. Then he asked what else he could do to get a more conclusive result and was told he would need to bring mother and daughter into a UCT lab for bone, skin and loads of other such analysis. He felt at the time he could not do that to a 10 year old and so he left it. He explained how he lived with this doubt all of my life (38yrs) never knowing if he really was my father or not.

Stop and think about that for a moment……..Imagine not knowing something as life changing as that for 38 YEARS!!!! ->hectic

I told him he could have come to me at any point and explain this to me, I mean I haven’t been that 10 year old for quite some time and as an adult I would have totally understood. Needless to say I cried a little, and he (lump in his throat and a slight teary look in his eyes) just said, “I know that was my mistake I am sorry”.

So there I had it, the teal reason why he never told them. Of course I understand, but this new found information didn’t really make me feel better. On the contrary… I now felt as though my whole life had a slight question mark to it.

Then he said, “I’m going to ask you to do this one thing for me and if you agree to it, then we will take things form there.” I said “sure what is it?”.

It turns out he had ordered a DNA paternity test kit online and wanted me to take it with him once it arrived. Of course I agreed I mean after all, I didn’t want to live with the ‘not knowing’ a minute longer. So he left and returned a week later with his wife and test kit in hand.

It was quite an easy test really, I was very nervous beforehand and my boyfriend would not kiss me all night until after, for fear of getting his DNA mixed with mine and contaminating the sample. All we had to do was fill in all our information and take a swab of tissue from the inside of our mouths, being careful not to touch the ends of the sticks and placing them in the right envelopes.

Then he left. I received an email a week later saying they were processing the samples and I should have an answer in 3weeks.

Now we wait.

Part 3 –results.

Secret Sister Saga

So as I have stated in a previous blog entry, my mom and my biological dad had a one night fling, which resulted in…….well….me.

As I grew up I knew about my dad from early on, but was never apart of his life nor was he apart of mine. I was curious to meet him and eventually did. After that I met him on occasion and even spent a weekend at his home when I was 10. By then he was married and had two daughters aged 7 and 5 respectively. So being the 10 year old that I was (and desperate for siblings of my own) I blurted out to his daughters on the Sunday morning after spending the entire weekend with them as ‘a child of a friend’, that I was their sister.

Of course they didn’t believe me. They ran to their mom and asked her if it was true, she said I was lying. Further fuelling their disbelief. I now know that she was just protecting. Her daughters who were far too young to cope with the truth. She did promise to tell them when they were old enough to understand. Needless to say that was the last time I spent a weekend at my ‘dads’.

Fast forward 28years I am now 38years old. He has floated in and out of my life about 5 times in total. Roughly every 7 years or so he would pop by for an hour to visit my kids or I would do a ‘drive by” visit to his house. I would pack the kids I the car, drive up to his house, send my son to knock on the door and ask for Mr. so and so and then sit in the car and wait for him to come out (being careful not to upset the wife and kids). He would come over to the car and I would say “look how big your grandchildren are getting”. He would smile and say “hi, I promise to come visit”. But never did.

It never phased me much as I had the most wonderful stepdad. I was truly blessed as my Grandparents were my earliest parental figures until my mom settled down from her wild ways and got married and took over that role. I was given a stepdad who treated me as if I was his own flesh and blood. So it was not like I was lacking in the father figure department.

Years went by and I always wondered why my sisters from my (bio) dad side never contacted me. Surely they would want to meet me? Or my children? (Their nieces and nephew). As much as I wanted to meet them. Apparently not.

Every two years or so I would try and look them up. I did a drive by ‘dads’ house in 2008 only to find he no longer lived there. I had no idea where he lived, no phone number to contact him on. I tried to Google him or his daughters, but I had no idea if they were married and what their new surname would be. I tried Facebook, but that too was fruitless without proper surnames. I gave up and carried on with my life and forgot about them for a while.

2011: In April this year I got a Facebook message from someone with the same surname as him. She said “a friend of mine says we are related”. It turns out she was ‘his’ niece.

Eureka I told her how I was related to her and that I wanted to track down that side of my family. I was totally overjoyed at my new found family member. Through her connection I managed to befriend one of my ‘sisters’ on Facebook. It turned out they had both indeed gotten married and had different surnames. I sent the one who accepted my friend request a private message. Telling her that we were sisters. Of course this was quite a shock for her and she contacted her older sister. The older sister (obviously the more skeptical of the two) messaged me with the “do you have proof to back up your statement?” attitude. I counteracted with “ask your dad”.

Well the next day I received a phone call from said ‘dad’ saying “I need to see you”.

End of part one…

my life is sometimes like a seesaw

I have often thought of what it must be like to be bi-polar, that's probably because sometimes I feel like I am or at least my life does.

Isn't it weird how things seem to happen in bulk amounts. For instance if you buy a new car, suddenly you notice so many of the same make of car on the road. It's as if now they are being mass produced and paraded around in front of you just to say, your car isn't special.

Or when you hear of a death or pregnancy. Suddenly in one week 3 people have died or every second high school friend is expecting.

That old expression 'it never rains, but it pours' springs to mind.

I am a Pre-school teacher, so my only real skill is getting along with children. So to supplement my income I au-pair afternoons and babysit on a regular basis.

The financial climate at present dictates that I do this as often as possible.

Some months I am fully booked every weekend, even getting 3 or 4 calls for bookings on the same night. Then there is the proverbial 'salticrax' month, when no-one can afford to go out and pay a babysitter.

Strange how things often come in 'all or nothing' packaging.

You cant be a little bit dead/pregnant, you either are or you are not.

Extremes seem to be the norm in my life. The problem with this is that when I am up on a high it's great, but when I am down, I am really low. I am not even glass half empty instead I am glass is completely empty.

A little bi-polar? maybe, who knows? Only one thing I can be sure of, when its good it's very very good and when its bad I have two choices; face it head on and come through stronger for it, or run for cover and wade it out hoping it will pass quickly until its good again.

Here is a line form a movie called, Tenderness (crap movie, but great line)

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that run towards pleasure and those that run away from pain.

Pleasure helps you forget the pain, but pain makes you hopeful, because while you're going through it you think "surely this can't last, at some point it must come to an end".

closure and moving on

Deep Breath; inhale……..

Dear ex husband:

I’m so sorry that I hurt you

I’m sorry I caused you pain

You were the one I was meant to spend the rest of my life with, the one I pledged my vows to. We were meant to grow old together. I loved you; I really loved you with all my heart.

Alas this was not meant to be, not the way things worked out. Sometimes life changes course. It’s no use looking at how it unfolded with tons and tons of remorse.

Communication was lacking and it’s not anyone’s fault I should have communicated to you how I was feeling, but I had become so good at concealing.

Now its time we both move on, now that the initial hurt is gone away. I choose to remember the good times we had, I choose them over all the bad.

I wish you all the happiness this world could offer, for I have found it in the arms of another. I wish you a love that knows no bounds, one like I have found, one that know no bounds.

I wish you peace and comfort, health and wealth too. These wishes really come from my my heart. From me to you.

Exhale